My Journey into Blogging Started with Restlessness
By: Jessica Fatih. Published November 1, 2022
Yesterday was my son’s third birthday. I was exhausted. I was sitting outside watching my three kids play. They made “potions” out of water, mud, and even ashes from the fire pit. They were also throwing dirty water all over themselves and fighting about who would get the orange bucket. I took my chair from the patio and moved it across the yard. I could still see them, but now I wouldn’t get drenched with muddy water and couldn’t hear all the banter.
We had thrown the party the day before, check that off the list, but the exhaustion was more than just tired from the party. It was a combination made up of three parts: ½ tired from staying at home with three kids on summer vacation, ¼ boredom, and ¼ my mind was racing about all the things I should be doing (empty dishwasher, read, pick up toys my kids were throwing around the yard). So, I was sitting outside on a beautiful day in a shady area in my yard, and I could not relax. My mind was not at ease. I felt restless.
I cannot be the only mom who has this “restless” feeling. Just writing the sentence makes me feel like I need to explain myself. Much of the “restless” feeling comes with a pang of guilt. I “should” be thankful and enjoy this moment on a beautiful summer day outside, watching my three kids laugh and play…and fight. The unease I was feeling isn’t new, but lately, it’s been present a little more. I love my children. I wouldn’t give up staying at home with them for the world; trust me on this one. However, there has got to be more to me. The keyword in that sentence is ME.
My son loves ice cream, so I gave in and drove to pick up dinner and ice cream. More ice cream followed when my husband walked in the door with an ice cream cake. After the candles were lit and the cake served, my husband was at the realm. I snuck out for a walk. I process when I walk. It’s my time to listen to music and be outside. A question kept popping into my head, “What do I enjoy? What is fun for me?” Later that night, while watching Netflix, I heard a similar question, “What is the fire that burns within you?”
Well, hell, if I know anymore, but I think all this uneasiness and boredom I feel propels me to figure it out! I had thought yesterday that in ten years, my kids would be 13, 16, and 18. A tear came rolling down at how quickly it will probably go by, but what will I be doing in ten years? So here it is, uncovering this piece of ME waiting to be discovered. It dawns on me; my restlessness is a gift waiting to be opened.
I have learned that feelings and emotions will transform if you are willing to sit with them. The unease that I was feeling was heavy. I sat with it outside. I let it be. I continued with getting the kids out of wet clothes and figuring out dinner. Then I walked, getting some fresh air; I did this because I knew it would help me uncover what was underneath the restlessness. I allowed the thoughts to swirl around. I didn’t try to capture any particular thought but observed the process. Later that night, I heard the question, “What is the fire that burns within you?” I understood my restlessness is not annoyance at my children or boredom of being a stay-at-home mom. The restlessness is propelling me forward to uncover what is inside of me. The burning inside of me, lately, has been the desire to write. To share. To share what I have been going through.
I’m not a writer. In fact, in college, I had more than one professor write on an assignment that I may want to get an English tutor! So, writing, like any form of art, makes me a little vulnerable. Actually, very vulnerable! The desire inside of me will take a chance and write. Because lately, I have felt that if my experiences could help one other person, it is worth it to be a little vulnerable and uneasy. I’ll take the chance. Because they say life is short. So at 43, I guess it is time to take some chances. So, here we go!
Hi, I’m Jessica Faith
With this blog, I commit to you to be honest, raw, and vulnerable about my experiences in motherhood and life. Let’s connect about real issues that women experience daily. In my journey of going inward, I promise to share my insights and what I learn along the way. I’d love to be here to support you on your journey. Let’s do it together. Create a community. Let’s do it all with love and faith.